Victoria Sports Online

by Jammer Karim

The Red Wings are out. So is Ovechkin. Chicago is still in. And so is Sidney Crosby. Gary Bettman is still running the NHL. The NHL is still running in Phoenix. LT is being charged with rape. Dustin Byfuglien got away with rape (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8ZS1CdAZoQ). Sports suck. So here are 23 thoughts all about sports. Enjoy!

1. Speaking of rape, did anyone else feel like they were witnessing it during the first period of game four between San Jose and Detroit? Quick recap: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lU3EEa7TSG8

2. After that game, I was seriously considering finishing my beer, using my brother’s air miles and booking a West Jet flight to Detroit (take that Air Canada), using my mom’s Visa, and catching a cab from the airport to Joe Louis Arena, circumventing arena security, maneuvering my way into the Red Wings locker room, and shaking the hand of Johan Franzen.

3. I ended up being too lazy to get up from the couch, but had I not been, I would’ve done it in a heartbeat.

4. Does Dwayne Wade think his stardom excludes him from society’s rules? Why else would he engage in “sexual foreplay” with another woman in front of his family? http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=5165029

5. My advice for Wade: Don’t just limit yourself to the basketball court when it comes to being double teamed.

6. Check out this insanely hilarious video clip by the Milwaukee Bucks before their first round series vs. the Atlanta Hawks: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tTbBFthGQQ&feature=email

7. We are over a month into the NHL playoffs now, and I am convinced Bob McKenzie has worked in the “Homer Simpson ass groove” into that chair he seemingly has not moved from in weeks.

8. Picture of week: Check out how many men are on the ice when Patrick Marleau scored the OT winner in Detroit to put them up 3-0 in the series. Foul play? This bitter Red Wing fan thinks so. http://www.flickr.com/photos/21740330@N06/4592861543/

9. NHL Conspiracy Theory anyone? Check it out. Have a laugh or hold a grudge. Or, in my case, do both. http://bleacherreport.com/articles/390182-monday-morning-musings-with-me...

10. Stat of the week: Roberto Luongo has let in 16 rebound goals so for these playoffs. To put that into context, it took eight games for Bruins goaltender Tuuka Rask to let in 16 goals period.

11. Tiger Woods pulled out of the Players Championship with a bulging disk. Tiger Woods, pulling out, bulge...I’ll let you come up with the joke.

12. 51-year-old NFL legend Lawrence Taylor (LT) is being charged with raping a 16-year-old girl. Taylor said in a recent statement, “he thought the girl was 19”.

13. Great excuse LT. The fact that you thought it was only a 32-year difference makes this whole situation significantly less creepy.

14. Also, what took so long to convict LT of rape? Check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVDZE8LnjYI

15. A man who they call relentless, powerful, and intense is probably the last guy you want raping someone. Just saying...

16. It’s not every day I get to drop Will Ferrell’s name into this column. So any chance I get to use a celebrity’s
name in order to potentially boost my hits on this blog, I’m going to take it. Enjoy (hat tip to Jay) http://ca.sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/Will-Ferrell-ej...

17. Reports out of Toronto are that after seeing this performance, the Blue Jays are contemplating signing Ferrell to a five-year deal.

18. Rapper/R&B singer/woman ass kicker, Chris Brown sang the National Anthem at last week’s Floyd Mayweather boxing fight. Yes, Chris Brown sang the National Anthem at a BOXING match. That’s like Sidney Crosby making the opening remarks at a spoiled toddler convention.

19. It is believed that Brown was scheduled to fight in the undercard vs. American Idol sensation Sanjaya. But he backed out of the fight when he found out that Sanjaya wasn’t female.

20. Are the Canucks becoming the latest version of the San Jose Sharks in the playoffs? Come back to this blog in a couple days for an article comparing the two teams’ regular season/playoff success post lockout (this is what we like to call a “plug” in the blogging business).

21. Final Thought: There are sure to be changes in Vancouver following the inevitable series loss to Chicago. I would like to offer up one suggestion: Get rid of that U2 song before the games. Road teams should be worried, intimidated, or at the very least a little bit uneasy when they come into an opposing team’s arena. Nothing about “Where the streets have no name,” provokes any fear when a team rolls into GM Place.

22. Here is my idea:

•Change the entire brand of the Vancouver Canucks

•Start calling the fan base “Gangsta Nation”

•Start embracing the Surrey region of British Columbia and incorporate that into the Canuck brand

•Have a big screen montage of Bieksa and Rypien beating the crap out of people, before the Canucks skate onto the ice

•Have all the players “C-Walk” on to the ice instead of skating

•Go find some music video dancers, and have them dance in aisle ways wearing whatever they want to wear

•Go sign Jerome Iginla, Dustin Byfuglien, or Nigel Dawes

•Hell, go get all three

•Bring in Lawrence Taylor as your new announcer at GM Place

•Here’s the kicker, play this song (see next point) when the Canucks skate out

23. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gsn8xBVneb8